marianne estelle.

Hello everyone, I just came back from our mission trip to Chiang Rai, having received so much more than anyone could imagine…and thus I have decided that I would post up my daily reflections I have made over the past 6 days here.

The start of this day brought about lots of anticipation and excitement to what the day was about to offer me. The atmosphere of the coldness of the gentle breeze felt like an arising refreshment for the soul. Being away from the secular world, technology, where amidst the noises, lies a quiet place where the serenity of nature is received in it’s freshness and goodness. Breakfast was a very simple meal of porridge and somehow it drew me back to what simplicity made perfect meant. Though it was not anything extravagant, neither were there lots of dishes. But it invoked the communal homely feeling something I guess that is lacking in all our lives.

The sense of hospitality makes me think back on how hospitable I can be in my own home, in my own circle of friends. Hospitable not in the sense of housing them literally, but housing them in their emotional, spiritual needs, administering to what God wants of them. How much have I actually been that hospitable when I sometimes feel prompted to reach out to a certrain someone? Reaching out was never a difficulty for me, it was more of a question about whether or not I wanted to do so or not, and through the past 3 days with Kantiya and Songdet, I have learnt that nothing should ever come in the way of your purpose in reaching out to others, not even the language barrier.

Having to thresh trice today also made me appreciate the hardwork of all the labourers who put in all their effort in cultivating the rice right from the start. I knew before that threshing rice was something that was going to be extremely tedious, but little did I expect it to be so labourious and the extent of how people worked for their livelihood.

Appreciating simple luxuries likes polished rice is simply something I take away with me this day.

Another thing that captivated me was the painted mural of the Last Supper in the dining hall, they were hand painted by Sister as well as the children of the centre. It reminded of how at every moment we are invited to feast in his banquet, just as we are, in the loving fellowship of Him, and how the feast of God’s magnificient and sacrificial love is never ending, never failing.

Each and every day we are called to the Eucharist to break bread, and to share in his outpouring love towards all, as we let the Lord love the world through each of us, until we’ve touched them all.

Removing of the lalangs was really the most physically tiring, giving up did come to my mind, but somehow by God’s grace, we were guided by the Holy Spirit,

Goodnight.

Hellooo to all you readers of my tumblr,

I would be embarking on a mission trip to Chiang Rai today and would be back on the 16th, Monday, so continue to keep us in your prayers, and may this trip be as fruitful as it should be, that Christ’s name would be brought to those who have not heard him!

Meanwhile, enjoy some photos from Confirmation (:

jonathan-maximilian:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the way to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world, not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will,
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him in the next.
Amen.

The above is the Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Neibuhr. I remember the first time I came to know of this prayer; this was when I was going through a bit of a tough time sometime last year. The words spoke to me so much that I adopted this prayer and prayed it everytime I felt lost, everytime I felt helpless, everytime I felt despairing.

God came back to me this evening in the most unexpected of ways.
The last two weeks have been something of a desert experience, with me somehow going further and further away from God and strangely being fine with it. For one, I missed Sunday Mass two weeks ago. I couldn’t wake up for 7am Mass; I didn’t attend any of the other Masses because I “didn’t feel like going”. Which made me feel terrible for awhile, but I brushed it aside soon after. So I haven’t received Communion ever since. But as I mentioned earlier, God came back to me earlier this evening to give me a reminder that He loves me and that He wants me to come back to Him.

He came back to me in a moment where I witnessed how a few friends of mine had something of an experience with Him. He came back to me in that moment where He reminded me of the gifts that He had given me; not to serve myself, but to serve others. Where I fall short in words and actions, God has outdone in generosity through the gift of music. It’s wonderful how playing instrumentals of certain hymns can touch a person; it did to me as well. While I was just playing, I was reminded of how far I’d gone from Him. And it made me feel terrible. It made me feel angry with myself that I was fine with how things were going even as my spirituality was going really downhill. But I was touched more that God had given me this sign of His love. So my dear friend reading this, you weren’t the only one touched and moved by God. I was too. And I praise Him for that.

The God of the universe, coming down to find the sheep that was lost.
I’m very intent on going for Confession later on before the Confirmation Mass. I want to receive Christ back into my heart once again.

“In moments like these, I sing out a song;
I sing out a love song to Jesus.”

Indeed in moments when you least expect anything, God will give you everything.

That in itself is God’s gift to me for Confirmation,

my encounter with him today, at the foot of the cross.

Thank you Father.

For I feel, that you are with me, till the end of time.

To the ends of the earth.

How much I am desiring to receive your love in it’s fullness and richness.

To yield to the power of your Most Holy Spirit;

For you Father, you mean so much more than space, liberty and eyesight.

It’s been 5 days,

Finally decided that now’s the best time to share all that I’ve experienced and received from the retreat because I think only after a period of time would you be able to really see if you’ve grown, by allowing everything to simmer in. These 5 days has indeed been the most intense and filled with depth, in allowing the Holy Spirit to move within me.

Spiritual Prepratory, 30 October, a night of heavy downpour.

Mass was different. I sat alone yet again, but this time in the emptier pew of the church. How true it is that when we want to share in the loving eucharist of the Lord, we don’t come empty handed, but we come with a loving offering, lifting it up to the Lord when he shed his blood for all of us. Indeed it was the highest form of worship for me that very day because I found that I could connect to him in an even more intimate way.

Worship session later was really a time of immerse intimacy and once again saying , Yes Lord, I want you in fullness, I want you to set my heart ablaze, I want you, I don’t want anything, nothing Lord. I give my heart to you Father, take care of it for me.

At that point I felt, that was it, this was probably going to be the highest blessing God could give to me and I probably shouldn’t expect that much anymore for the retreat , as he should bless others as well.

Then came Saturday.

Being back in Group 1 felt so homely to me, everyone was familiar with everyone, everyone understood and loved each other with great love. Sharing was definitely something I loved to do with each and every one of them. And yes, the retreat started off with us choosing a picture from the many pictures laid out.

I was drawn to the first picture I saw right in front of me. It was a picture taken with a person crossing from one end to the other without any string or rope, with hands stretched open. For me, that described how I was feeling towards the retreat and my spiritual life. I believe that I am that person, that I am crossing ( transiting ) from one phase to the other, to be sealed with the stamp of ownership from the Lord, and I am very willing to surrender every single thing in my life and follow him blindly. Even though, there may be no string for me to cross, nobody to support me by my side, I will go. I don’t care.

If I fall, I fall. But I know that somehow, sometime, I will rise with you.

That day, I believed I made the best, most honest confession, and confessed everything the good the bad and even the questionable moments to the Father. Coming back to the session room, with the intention of praying my penance that was my first visual and heartfelt encounter with God face to face.

I closed my eyes, with the cross and many lighted candles as an image in my mind, and as I was repenting deeper and deeper, I saw the Lord there at that very spot, on a golden chariot looking down on me. In that moment, I never felt so small in my life before, so unworthy of everything. It was like as if I had died and went to see the Lord, how he revealed himself to me. I knew that this was it, God is here, in that very spot of my heart. And so I couldn’t control , I wept, wept tears of anguish, tears of repentance and most distinctly tears of heart breaking pain. The feeling of my heart being in such pain was something I will never ever forget in this lifetime, ever. It was at this time, that Stephen was beside me too, that by the power of the Lord I felt his heart breaking pain. And I could feel it, I could feel it shattering, breaking, when he too at the same time, broke.

You know the Lord can be so amazing sometimes, he sends you people to share your joy and agony with you, and for that I am ever so grateful for the gift of Stephen, who understands me without me explaining, listens without judging, embraces without boundaries.

Dinner time was probably one of the most antagonising periods throughout the retreat, lots of confusion and temptations from the devil. Thankfully I overcomed it. I was just thinking, You know Estelle, God has blessed with so many beautiful things , you got the gift of tongues like you asked for already, and he has revealed himself to you so many times, to the extent where you can even hear his voice, why should you ask for more? Perhaps God should give it to others, others who seem maybe to have a stronger desire than I do, and that God maybe should present his gifts to others. Why do you even need so many for?

Yup and with that misconception I went to the adoration room to pray that he would take the experience he has already planned for me , and give it to someone who has not experienced him. But I guess that wasn’t what God wanted for me, which is why I was somehow guided to Aunty Jean. She’s been journeying with me right from the start of the Life in the Spirit seminar a few months back now, and somehow I was inclined to speak to her, so I shared with her my thoughts. Through our dialogue, I learnt that God has already given me the gifts he wanted me to have at my Baptism, and now the outpouring was just to release it from where it came from, and I shouldn’t be stopping it from happening, since I have already activated one of the many gifts, I should now learn how to grow with this gift in maturity.

So with an open heart, open mind I entered the hall. Whoa, the first moment I stepped in, I was like oh man the Spirit’s so strong in this room…die… and that night it was raining very heavily. I still clearly remember hearing God’s voice in my ears mouthing these words, I will cry thunders and storms for you when you are heartbroken, my heart instantly sank and surrendered all things hidden to him.

When it came to the start of the pray over, I believe I was still undermining what else God could do for me, well hell was I wrong. Started to pray in tongues, and just immerse myself in the moment slowly waiting for my turn, and then I could hear the charismatic people come closer, so I went Lord I want to receive your love in its fullness and richness, heal me from my hurts and let me bear your yoke. The moment I was being prayed over, I couldn’t take it at all, I just let go off everything. I have no idea what happened during that period of time, but I know that I felt at absolute serenity and it was like my soul was dancing, at the same time I was letting go of some emotions.

When I tried to get up, I felt so numb and I just couldn’t stand up, until a while later I managed to get back up on the chair, and in my heart I was feeling so at peace, thanking God for granting me my heart’s desire. Singing “ Great in Power “ man I felt my knees melting… And so I thought to myself again, okay that was beautiful, whoa . Well but little did I know there was so much more ahead of me.

We were suppose to go back to our rooms to share our experience, but at that moment I didn’t feel normal, I didn’t feel like it ended, I kept feeling the promptings, this isn’t it, this isn’t, there are greater things and because of that I got so upset that I couldn’t be in that room, so I just walked out, with no directions in mind. As I was walking aimlessly, I saw Shaun, then I saw Mark. Man, hell broke loose. Instantaneously I just broke down. It felt like the engine of the motor dislodging from it’s parts, my heart was hurting, and only Mark knew why it was all happening to me. I was sobbing my the depths of my heart, they were really sobs. But I felt God’s healing power as well, as he once again invites me on this painful journey towards healing.

That was the highlight of the retreat for me. And I shared this with everyone at the camp how God was so close to me, and how now I want to fight for his love, for he has already fought for me for 15 years of my life.

Being anointed with the cross on our foreheads, hearts, shoulders, feet, palms made me feel that now my being really belonged to him and only him only.

As this journey towards Confirmation is so close to an end, I also know that my new journey with God is about to envelop into an intimate and real relationship, I know I want now.

Tonight, 6 November would be the last Spiritual Prep for Confirmation and I know it’s going to be even more beautiful than before.

All Praise to the Trinity!

Current Song: God of this City, Chris Tomlin

As this song is playing in my ears, it draws back memories to the time I first embarked on this journey with God, the first time I said ” Yes Lord, I want you to be the Lord of my life ” , the first time we had worship sessions, and amidst the many ” first times”, it’s amazing how God has changed my life so much and moulded me to be a woman after his love, after his care.

Today served as one of the most important days of my life, of course it was the last day of the school term for 2009 as well, and what struck me the most was the testimonial my teacher wrote in my report book.

Estelle has faced many challenges this year from all sides- academic, leadership and CCA. There are many precious lessons to learn from these experiences. Given the time to reflect deeper of the outcome, which will give her insights to herself, she should harness this self-knowledge to take her to even greater heights.

And how true, the school year 2009 has indeed been the wildest periods in my entire school years, never have I been pushed and pulled across all dimensions overcoming what I seemed just too much. Looking back, how it has all finally ended, I only have one being, one person to thank. God. Because it was during those moments did I live for him, and was strong for him. What a living testimony indeed that when God favours you, all earth bound things favour you as well!

Tomorrow is drawing so near, in fact it’s only 9 hours and 36 mins to the start of the Recollection Retreat, and I would just like to share what we reflected on during spiritual preparation earlier, also how touched I am to have someone to believe in me with that much of conviction.

Three simple questions were we given to reflect on, the reason why we chose to come this evening, what kind of state are we having when we enter the retreat tomorrow and where I stand with my relationship with God.

For me, the reason why I chose to come was because of the promptings of the Holy Spirit, to come, come , come to him with all your heart. Having opened the door to the Lord, I guess the attraction to that beauty of the Trinity just keeps getting larger and larger… So I decided that I would come, just as I am, to worship and glorify his name for he really deserves every inch of my being.

Whilst for the state I’d be entering the retreat in, would be in the spirit of openess and the desire to receive the Lord’s love in all it’s richness and fulness. God has been fighting for me always, and now I guess it’s time for me to fight for his love, to be empowered by his Holy Spirit. In order for all these to happen, I know that I have to empty myself, so that he can then come into my heart and fill it till it overflows.

Lastly where I stand with my relationship with God, this is a very interesting thing to reflect about because I will always remember how people perceive it to be; ” oh the holy moly one”, ” super close” , ” very in tuned ” , ” same frequency channel as God ” etc. But hey, of course as compared to before I definitely am more in tuned with what the Lord wants of me, and yes my decisions now are more Christ-centered, but I do have my own moments of dryness and emptiness as well. I think we are all called at some point to experience some suffering and anguish, but the question towards the end would always be if we allow Him to be that easing balm, soothe us in our broken-ness.. I also find joy in prayer now, different forms of prayer, vocal and mental, rosary;divine mercy;…

With confidence I know he will come and meet me once more, and I surrender all.

I am the Lord, the one who heals you.

- Exodus 15:26

Hi everyone I’m back again after going on a hiatus for quite a while, procrastinated 3 days ago to reflect and blog but I ended up being too tired to do it. Yeah, so now we shall start things proper (:

This week, every since the post-exam holidays started, it has been the most spiritually uplifting, insightful and live-changing moment for me.  One of which was the P6 Camp which happened only yesterday, and it was the first time facilitating a spiritual camp, making the dynamics a whole lot different.

Attending Spiritual Prep on Wednesday started to change my perspective of what a camp has to offer you, outside the eyes of a participant. Having attended the past 2 camps, I think I have learnt that by facilitating, you not only give so much of yourself but you also gain so much from others as you journey with them during that span of time.

I am very touched by the maturity of the P6s, and I never really expected that much of depth from them seeing that it is afterall the transition period from being a kid to an adolescent. Beneath each face, had a story to tell, an inner cry-crying out to be loved. I saw myself in them.

Only thing that when I was P6, I wasn’t that mature, perhaps because I am blessed with a wonderful family of just the 3 of us and I was not really exposed to any forms of spirituality.

Spending the day with them, sharing about our fears, strengths, desires made me revisit the person I used to be, and how much I have grown as a woman, God is moulding me to be right now…

To give of myself, in the spirit of servant leadership, for others.

And being called to the mission of being Kingdom Builders for the Lord, I felt really blessed to be able to build the Lord’s kingdom through his little children. Little children whom he loves endearingly, unceasingly. Maybe that’s what he wants to offer me as well, just whether am I ready to respond to take that one step into deepening the relationship we share.

Love, is something so big.

I always undermine the power of love.

Sorry I think I shall end it here this time, I need to do something else now.

(: share on the tagboard —>

Group 4 - ” Isaiah”

Co- facilitators! (: Group Fouuurrrr

undermysky:

“I can do all things through HIM who Gives me strength”-Phil 4:13

Today has been a day of building my relationship with God. Over the last few weeks, through all the exams, the stress the frustrations the fears, and even now when i’m receiving my papers, I’ve been praying so hard for God to give me strength, to be my Strength, to be by my side, to guide me every step of the way. I know that He has always been there, lifting me through the moments which were especially hard to bear. But my relationship with God has become stagnant, sometimes one-sided, where i’m always asking, but never listening. I loved going for mass, to see everyone full of God’s fire, to experience God’s fire, to experience his unwavering and beautiful Love for us. Recently, with everything, even though i prayed hard, which has helped my spiritual life in a way, i have not grown much closer to Him.

Listening to him and letting him speak to me within the depths of my heart has not happened the past few weeks, i’ve been too caught up with my troubles, that i forgot to listen. God wants to tell us things, to whisper in our hearts, but if we don’t quieten ourselves to listen, God’s words go unnoticed. Building a relationship with Jesus, we have to listen and speak to Him, talk to him like you would a close friend, because Jesus is our friend and brother.

Today’s session, the briefing and spiritual prep for the P6 camp, reminded me of the Joy of praising Him, the love that resonates around us all. The sharing with Mark and Audrey was something i’ve needed to do, to think about my relationship with God. To answer His Call to serve, to share his Love  and Joy to the younger ones is in itself a joy. To spread God’s Love to others as well, people who don’t know God, people who do not believe in Him. He will be right beside us, in our hearts, filling us with His Joy and Love. (:

(: I particularly hold on to this bible verse from Philippians as well, because it really provides you with lots of hope when you feel so shallow, and edifies you when you need that extra push. He really is the strength that I seek each day, to live my life the way he plans it.

” You must shine among them like stars lighting up the sky, as you offer them the message of life. ”

Philippians 2:16

this was what kept ringing inside my mind during prayer earlier this evening, because I was just reflecting on why God decided to choose me, someone so inadequate, someone so broken, to be his instrument of love to so many people, and even till this very moment my heart is filled with so much, so much, so much…

these few days has been a tremendously spiritually filled day, it’s probably the two days which the Lord has given to me, to grow in depth to love him and like Mark said, be immersed in his presence. So many areas which I myself am blinded to, has come to my realisation now, how much healing I still need to receive from him.

As I was at the YAM session on Saturday, God spoke to me so distinctly yet again, I really tried to open my heart to receive his graces, and to say to him,

” Father, I miss you, I miss laughing in the ado, I miss how you’d take me on the wildest spiritual adventure…. Guide me back to strengthening my relationship with you”

And it was beautiful, I still remember his endearing words which was so comforting.

” you sit back now, let me do all the job for you. Let me be God. “

Indeed Lord, everything unto you, no inhibitions…(:

During my evening prayer, I was inspired by the prompting to read Revelations 22:20, which goes, ” Yes Indeed, I am coming soon ” , my heart felt like it was soaring and leaping out of myself, cause I don’t know how you would feel, but the assurance that brings you out of that confusion, that He is coming soon. very soon, to meet me. I really am embracing all the faith I have within me, putting it all in hope of his power.

God has really become so real. I want to walk with him now.

and it’s not something that is felt after say, receiving a gift from him, but it becomes something your heart yearns for, desires for, think about each moment you know!

Two things that is now etched in my mind:

Spiritual dryness- the only reason why we experience spiritual dryness is because we are not feeding from the source ( Jesus ), if we were, we would never run dry, just like the river never runs dry.

When you are nothing, Jesus is your everything.

CANT PHANTOM ALL THESE GREAT EMOTIONS INTO WORDS!

:D:D

That’s me and Jesus!(: